Tuesday, February 26, 2008

growing despair

We got a letter yesterday from the public defender's office. We had been hoping to hear from them and that the news would be good; the judge in October granted a new trial because, amongst many other instances of prosecutorial misconduct in the case, one of the government's key witnesses perjured himself and they knew or should have known about it.
Unfortunately, the prosecution refuted this claim and now the judge has agreed and denied the motion for a new case. The next step for M is sentencing. No date has been set yet and I hope it is as far off as humanly possible. It has taken me so long to let myself fully be with him, to completely let go of the thought that my destiny might be with someone else, and now they want to take him away from me. Not only will I lose my boyfriend, but there's no way I'll be able to afford this apartment so I'll also be homeless. And jobless. Can I manage the waiting for him if he does go to prison? I've never been very good at being alone, so we'll have to wait and see. He seems much calmer about all of this than I am, but that's not saying much.
Hopefully the judge will allow him to remain free until his appeal. It's not like he's really "free" anyway, what with the ankle monitor and the curfew. I also think that the year and some months with that thing on should count as some fraction of his time served since he can't really be said to have been at liberty with that thing on him. I hate this so much. I am so scared and he just won't talk about it unless I push it. And this is the kind of thing we really need to talk about to sort out what we're going to do about finances and his stuff and the apartment... It's all such a mess.
I just don't want to lose him now that I've finally figured out that this is where I want to be.

In the other parts of my life, I have become somewhat addicted to the most boring game ever. It's called Fish Tycoon and in it you have a couple of aquariums (aquaria?) and some fish. You breed and sell these fish in order to find the seven magical fish. It is not a fast paced game, nor one that is exciting in any way, but for some reason I find it oddly compelling. I've found 3 of the 7 magical fish and just over 60 of the more than 400 species of fish. It takes some note taking skills to keep track of which fish you've bred and the results and it takes literally hours to make any progress whatsoever even running in the 2X speed. But that leaves me time to knit while I'm playing, so that's exactly what I've been doing. Over the past few days I've made 4 or 5 headbands. My roots are growing in and I haven't been able to find the exact color of dye I used last time and want to use again, so headbands it is. I'll take pictures soon and post them, but just haven't been in the mood lately. I've not even been on Ravelry in a couple of weeks... I may need to wean myself from all of this anyway since if M goes to prison I will most likely be without internet while living with my grandfather. That thought terrifies me. I don't know what I will do with myself if I am cut off from the world in that way.

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