I'm so tired of everything

I'm having a bad day. I learned last night that I won't be getting insurance until next year unless we try to find me something outside of my husband's insurance. I also learned that the job I've been hanging most of my hopes on won't be coming through. This means that the wedding reception/vow renewal we were planning for later this year may not happen, as we might not be able to swing it financially. It was supposed to be the wedding event for our family in friends back in Texas, but I just don't see how we can make it happen. It's just as well, since my husband doesn't seem as into the idea as I am. I don't mind doing all the planning, but I've been asking him for months now to get a guest list for his side together for me and he hasn't done so. If he doesn't care about making this thing happen, then it's one of the many things I may have to just let go of. 

The delay in insurance isn't that big a deal, really. I'm reasonably healthy for a hugely fat chick, I guess, and I do hate going to doctors when I'm this big. Doctors can be so judgmental about weight, and that's not something I need in my life. I know I'm fat. I know I need to do something about it. I'm working on it, okay?

The job falling through is more of a hit. I should know better than to rely on something that involves so many variables, but I really thought it might be a step in the right direction. I've still been sending out so many resumes, and heard nothing back. It's been a month, and I'm exhausted by the job search. It's always so disheartening. 

At least my husband is wonderful and kind and understanding. He's pained to see me so upset, but reassures me that we'll get through all of this. The shocking thing is, I actually believe him. 

Life is hard here, harder than it was in Texas. The competition for jobs is so much greater, and I don't have any sort of homefield advantage like I did there. The cost of living is exorbitant (although I am thankfully sheltered from much of that). Everything is faster and bigger and scarier here. And so loud. 

I'm just tired of having to give up on things. I've let go of so many of my hopes and dreams along the way. There aren't that many left, but they still seem to be taken from me with disturbing regularity anyway. 

5 years later

I seem to have taken a very long leave from this blog. Maybe I'll get back into it. I know I don't really have readers, that a few people stop by for the knitting patterns, but I've been feeling like I should write more anyway, and so I might as well do it here.

M went to prison. I went back to school, fell in love with an old flame from many years ago, but he lived halfway across the country. I visited him several times, moved to VA, and now we are quite happily married. Life is good. 

As ever, finding a job is hard. I've been neglecting my crafting (I've added some basic sewing to my repertoire, but my machine has tension issues) for quite some time, but have taken tentative steps toward getting back to it. I'm working on an afghan, and have the yarn for a shawl. Most of my yarn and needles and accoutrements are in storage in Texas, and I don't want to build up that much of a stash here when I have so much already there. 

Anyway, just wanted to update. It's a simple coincidence that it's been exactly 5 years since my last post. Life is strange that way. Maybe I'll keep posting for a while. I do like having an outlet for my thoughts. 

Germs of a plan

I need a plan. M's legal issues are still up in the air and if he has to go away then I need a way to pay the bills. Sure, I might be able to get a minimum wage job that pays my way but corrodes my soul (thank you, The Smiths, for the line). Or I could try to come up with the financial aid and take a one year (August to August) $5,000 program to become an LVN. That is what I am hoping I can make happen. The program is local with the community college I attended way back when I was just a kid, doing all my very important theater work. I loved it, but it wasn't exactly a practical major. So now I am considering, at 38 (though I'd be 39 when the classes began) going back to school. I just hope I can find the financing.

We had M's boys last weekend. We hadn't seen them since the beginning of December; while I don't really care if it's that long between visits, M does and he was thrilled to see his boys. I was glad that we got to finally have our Christmas with them and I was able to take down all the decorations after they left. Homeschooling still seems to be doing quite well by them. Their mom made a brave and very smart choice, I think. They are in Boy Scouts and 4H so they still get to be around other kids for the socialization aspect they would otherwise miss out on by not being in school. I don't think it would be right for all kids, but with these two it really seems to be working.

Things I love:
My new Stir Crazy popcorn popper. M had an air popper that we'd used for years, but he always had me add so much butter that the advantages of air popped were lost.
(Man, blogger makes it hard to switch out of bold... May have found new hosting site, but have to see how they handle pictures.)
Things I hate:
Neighbor kids who insist on playing in my yard all the damn time. What is wrong with their own yards? And why is all the screaming necessary?
Things I don't understand:
My cats. I would love to understand what goes on in their brains sometimes to make them act the way they do.

Netflix and me

Okay, so things are better. I charged my car battery overnight and it started just fine the following day. M fixed the plumbing issue. We again have no water, but that is a precautionary measure since it is bitterly cold here and not supposed to be above freezing until sometime Sunday. We turned the water off and drained the pipes so we can (hopefully) avoid any more plumbing related incidents. The house just isn't very good at keeping the cold at bay, so I advised M that maybe we should postpone the visit from his boys for a week. Last night he wouldn't even consider it, but when he called today he seemed amenable to the idea. Let's hope his ex wife won't have a problem with it.
So we signed up for netflix last week. I filled in my queue on Monday and on Wednesday there was the first disc of Dexter Season 3 in the mail. Today I sent it back and we'll see how soon the next disc gets here. (We have a new high def TV, nothing huge, just a 32", but it still makes a world of difference.) I've also watched a few of the "instant" shows. There's a documentary about Helvetica (the typeface/font) that I enjoyed quite a bit, but I'm a sucker for a good typography story.

New slippers have been made for both M and me. They aren't pretty, but they knit up quickly and they are warm. No pictures yet, but I used this pattern.

Speaking of pictures, here are the latest of my wee fuzzy ones:Messy kitchen from the holidays, but the rare chance to get a shot of all 3 cats together.


And Probie looks like she had too much of whatever was in that tipped over cup behind her.

After all the fuss and furor, the two little ones cuddled up together for some cuteness. Awww. I do love my girls.

All for now. Must go thaw hands... here kitty kitty. Cats are fantastic handwarmers. :) Stay warm!

Not an auspiscious beginning

M overslept today. I slept in, lazily, got up around 9:00, did nothing. Went into front of house to light heater and heard water running from the studio area... and it was gushing out of the cold water spout on the tub in there. The knob had popped off and the water was spraying in , covering the floor. *sigh* I turned the water off outside, but unsure what to do otherwise. Then I got a note from my LYS (local yarn store for those non-knitters who might be reading) saying that the yarn I had ordered was not actually available and they had credited my account. Great. Fan-freaking-tastic. I don't want my account credited, I want you to send me what you said you were going to send me, that I planned on making into a lovely lace shawl. I will not be shopping with them again as this sort of thing has happened to me before in the past. So I will take a deep breath and hope that I got the trash out on time. And that my car will start. Yesterday the battery was dead. But other than all of that, 2010 is going great. Except Amazon won't be sending the boys' Christmas presents (Christmas with them was supposed to be this weekend) until Jan. 22nd. Still, trying to let it all be okay. Trying REALLY hard. Wish me luck!

New Year's Eve

So tomorrow starts a new year, which means that I, like everyone else, am feeling a bit reflective as I gaze across the swiftly dying embers of 2009.

The year started inauspiciously for me, what with the death of my beloved grandfather at the end of last December and M's philandering, but I determined that it was going to be a good year for me... and it was. M and I got back on track and I still believe he is being faithful (knowing that i can check his iPhone records at any moment encourages his honesty). He got me that lovely ring for Valentine's day... although he didn't know he was getting it for me until I had picked it out and required his credit card to pay for it. He lost the job he hated in downtown Dallas and it took a while to find another one. We scraped by, barely, with the help of friends and family until he found another job in April or May.

Of course the big change this year brought was the house. On July 8th I became a homeowner. It's a lot of work trying to make a place like this livable, but it has restored a lot of confidence in me. I'm learning that I can do a lot more things that I give myself credit for.

In November M started a different job, one he actually likes, which is nice. And he gets to work from home on Wednesday, which we both love.

We had my family's Christmas here at my house last week and it was a huge success... or would have been if there weren't concern over the road conditions. It was a white Christmas, only the second one I can recall here in North Texas. It was nice, though, having my family in my home. it felt good. I'm hoping others agree and will want to do it again next year.

And how could I forget that I got 2 new kittens? Vex turned out to be the sweet one while Probie... well, she's a handful. But they are adorable and I love them both very much.

Resolutions? Not really. I'd like to take better care of myself and of M...I'd like to get the house fixed up better...generally be more positive and a force for good in the world. I'd like to be happy and to inspire happiness in others.

So goodbye, 2009. You were good for me in so many ways, but, alas, we must now part. And hello 2010. I look forward to getting to know you and all of the joys you will bring. As for the sorrows that are also inevitable, I'm hoping we can keep those to a minimum. Blessings all around!

New Kitties :)

Vex is the black one, Probie is the white one... watching them play frequently brings to mind Spy vs. Spy. I do love the latest additions to our little family!