PMDD

All right, so it's the PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) that has had me in the funk I've been in the past week or so. Now that my period has begun I am crampy, but much more functional.

The good: M is working. It's just contract work at the moment, but he has a couple other projects in the works as well, so maybe our financial outlook isn't as bleak as it had been. 

The bad: With his legal stuff still pending we are trying to figure out some way I can have a place to live if things go badly. The original plan was that I would stay with my grandfather (who had agreed to this arrangement) but with his death, well, my uncle has inherited his house. I was going to go talk to him and see if something could be worked out to allow us to stay there or maybe even buy the house from him. I was hopeful, got a little excited about it, but, as always when I get my hopes up, it all fell apart. My uncle has already promised the house to his step daughter. It's not like they owed me anything and I have no hard feeling about it, but I am so tired of being the one in the family who gets nothing. My mom is trying to see if there's any way we can buy a cheap house, and if I could figure out how to come up with about $20,000 then we could do that. But I am at a loss as to how to go about raising that much money. 

The ugly: Me. I am so grossly overweight and out of shape at this point that I don't even know where to begin with trying to fix it. But I need to. I'm trying to start back up with the yoga and hope soon to get my stamina up enough to make it through the whole hour program. My diet is still improving, I've cut the cottage cheese out and am now having just grapefruit for breakfast. I need to give up the sweets and will try to do that next. I figure if I can give up meat (oh, fried chicken, how I miss you!) then the cookies and snack cakes can also be put aside without too much difficulty. 

I've been doing a lot of knitting and other crafty stuff in the past couple of weeks, which has kept me from being quite so unhappy. I've found that I really like doing cross stitch. I picked up a little floral still life thing on sale and it is so pretty. It takes a lot of attention to detail, but is also mindless, if that makes sense.  I want to do more, but I'm trying to hold off on this and wait until I finish this project before getting supplies for another. 

My birthday is Monday and our anniversary (4 years!) is the 1st. I told M last night that it would be his last reminder of those occasions. I know we can't really afford any gifts or anything, but I expect at least a "happy birthday" from him. We shall see.

Why is the kitchen always dirty? Even right after I clean it, it is dirty again. How does that happen?

New knitting projects

One of the things I got with the gift certificate I won in Crazy Aunt Purl's cat sweater knitting contest was a Noni Pattern. I finally made the purse and it is quite lovely, if not yet completely finished. The finishing is rigorous and I believe I've mentioned before it is not something I enjoy or excel at. I still need to install the zipper and anchor the stiffener/lining to the bottom. I got a little creative with the handle and added some beading. Oh, and it had to have pockets. I am very pleased with the way my pockets turned out. I followed the directions for the medium bag, bit this thing is enormous. I might make a much smaller one if I ever get the motivation to do all the maths. Anyway, here are a few pictures of the Noni Harlequin Pillbox Bag (#109):

I also just finished (yesterday) a Kitty Pi for Cat. She wanted nothing to do with it at first, but now she can occasionally be found napping in it, so I consider it a success. What, you want photos? Okay, here you go:

In other news, M. is sort of working now but we are still in dire financial straits. A severe depression has settled in over me and has my few friends concerned for my well being. I don't feel like getting into it now, but maybe tomorrow I'll catch y'all up on what's been going on with me. In the meantime, I hope everyone who reads this isn't having to go through anything like what I am going through. If you are depressed and you have any resources to allow it, please get help. 

M has an interview

  M just left for a job interview... oh, please, please, PLEASE let this be the one. We are far too close to being homeless, although through the generosity of friends and family we will be able to stay in the apartment through April. I'm terrified that after that we'll be on the street. Or at least I will. M, of course, has a guaranteed reservation as a guest of the federal bureau of prisons if he has no other place to live. 

  

  I no longer know what to do. I can't fix this, don't have a clue even where to begin. I miss my grandparents. They would always take me in and make things better. I had a safety net when they were around. My mother has been a great help to me, but I think we've taken too much from her already. I know she loves me and would do whatever she could for me, but she just doesn't have the space or resources to take us in if it comes down to that. 

  I am broken, perhaps beyond repair.

Still looking

Does anyone out there know of anyplace M can get a job? He interviewed in Ft. Worth yesterday. I really don't want to move to Ft. Worth, but will go wherever I need to with him. I guess I didn't mention that he had a court date toward the end of January? He is allowed to stay out on bond pending his appeal. That means the judge thinks that there is a good chance the appeals court will grant an appeal. I dare not get my hopes up, but it's better than the alternative. Although if he does have to go to prison at least one of us is guaranteed a place to stay for a couple of years.

Still no work for M

 M is still out of a job. We managed to borrow enough money from his best friend to pay the bills, but if things don't change soon I have no idea what we shall do. With my grandfather being gone I am truly without a safety net. His house, which he had agreed to let us stay in if things went bad, is now owned by my uncle and I am hesitant to ask. I have little pride left, but I prefer not to have to beg my family for a place to stay. Still, I will do whatever it takes. I have tried living in my car before and I didn't particularly enjoy it. I doubt I would like it any better now.

 I am also looking for work, trying for an administrative assistant job. So far there has been no interest, but I am trying really hard to remain upbeat. If only I could find someone who just needed errands run or something, someone who was maybe too busy to take care of all the little things himself and willing to pay me to take care of it. *sigh* Like that's going to happen. 

 I've been neglecting my knitting, but I am working on a hat and a couple of blankets. The hat is my design, made largely with a KnitWit tool and a wire from a cheapie Halloween witch's hat, with a little bit of knitting in there for the shaping.  Theblankets are a feather and fan pink and purple mess and Red Heart Super Saver piece of crap that I hope will turn into something better than it is now. Both are knit in strips so for now it just looks like I'm making more scarves. 

 I want to WRITE, but it just isn't coming to me. 

We had M's boys this weekend. I don't recall if I've mentioned that we only have them once a month now, but we do. The older boy was horrible. He pooped in his pants three times. I am so very sick of his behavior but I don't know what to do about it. He doesn't do it when he's at home I don't think it's a medical issue. I know it makes me a bad person to so strongly dislike a child, but I can't help it. He is so very unpleasant to be around. I do my best to be kind and nurturing, but every time the boys are here I am reminded of how very happy I am with my decision to not have any kids of my own.                       

 

M was fired

M has lost his job. I am scared that his legal issues will make it hard for him to find another as easily as he has in the past, plus with the economy being what it is... We shall see. 

New Year, new beginnings...

Bellydancing. Yep, I'm going to give it a go and give Mark a show for our belated Valentine's Day celebration. I ordered some instructional DVDs and the first delivery arrived today. Discover Bellydance is the name of the 3 DVD set I'll be starting with on Monday. Oh, and Mark is getting me a ring for Valentine's Day as well. Of course we have his boys on that weekend (the 14th is a Friday) as his ex is an absolute monster of a bitter shrew who wants to make sure that no celebration is left unmarred by her and her spawn. More on that later.

The other DVD is Sensual Bellydance and it is on its way. I'm hoping this will not only teach me a fun, sexy skill but also give me a low impact workout and encourage my metabolism to speed up. I am so fat and out of shape these days that it frightens me. 

Good news on his legal stuff. His sentencing date is the 23rd, but the judge sent out a letter saying that the motion to allow him to stay out pending appeal was granted. So as far as I've been able to find out it will be another year or so before there is further movement on this case.

Here is a picture of the ring he's getting me.

Of course it was my decision that he get me a ring and I chose the design, but he didn't hesitate when I told him. He is even considering getting a ring himself.