Open letter to my big brother

It's my brother's 40th birthday today. He and I haven't been close in a very long time and there are a number of things I'd like to say to him, but, to be honest, I've never had the nerve. I seriously doubt he would ever read this, so I'll write those things here:

Dear B,

Happy birthday, big bro. I know things in the family have been tense and strained and that you feel that you have been unfairly targeted, but that is simply untrue. You haven't been behaving well. It has little direct impact on me, but your actions affect people I love in negative ways and that both hurts and angers me.
You are abusive to your kids. That has to stop or CPS will eventually be called. I understand that you have trouble controlling your temper, but those are your kids. They need you to be the adult and to have some fucking control. I had hoped that you limited your abusive behavior to verbal assaults on the little ones, but I have heard tales of you pushing one of them while telling him that he was the biggest disappointment of your life. Wow. And this is the boy who was molested by a neighbor. Did you not think he had enough issues to deal with? Seriously, how could you treat a child that way and think it was acceptable?
I heard that you threw a fit on Christmas Day because you weren't treated with the deference you felt you deserved. You are so incredibly full of your own sense of self-importance and entitlement that it drives me crazy. Why would you expect everyone to wait to eat until you finally deigned to show up? You know full well that Christmas dinner has never waited on me or on Roger or on anybody else. Do you really think that you are so much more important than everyone else?
(Oh, speaking of Christmases past, what about the year you brought your girlfriend's little daughter to our Christmas Eve family celebration which also included your wife and your own kids? Did you, even for a moment, consider the feelings of anyone other than yourself? You may be the most selfish person I've ever known.)
After the fit you threw because people were hungry, you had heated words with our mother. I have no idea what your problem is with her, but you need to get over it. I love her, but I know she's no saint. You aren't either, though. You told her you didn't know how to be a dad since she split with our own father when we were small. Do you actually believe that we would have been better off if he had been around when we were kids? Every parent must figure out his or her own path; you might want to look at the way you're raising your own children and learn to make them the priorities in your life. It can't be easy, but you made the choice to have kids, so you need to be there for them. Do you want them to hate you when they are your age with as much vitriol as you apparently have toward our mother? And even if she did somehow wrong you, you are a grown man. You are middle fucking aged. Get over it!
You have taken advantage of our grandparents and our mom for so long now that you probably don't even see that you're doing so. It infuriates me to see them constantly kowtowing to you. You do know that at least a portion of that is done out of fear and dread, not out of love, don't you? You act like a child and throw temper tantrums if you don't get your way. You expect our grandfather to take care of you and your kids while giving nothing in return.

A break from the knitting

I'm taking a bit of a break from my knitting, not so much by choice as by necessity. My dear, sweet M. is concerned that I should be able to support myself if he has to go to prison. I am concerned for the same thing. So I am teaching myself (with his assistance) how to program in Java. Within a couple of months I hope to be able to take the J2EE certification exam and get a job.
It's not coming very easy to me, honestly. I am unaccustomed to having problems learning things, so it is very frustrating for me. But I intend to stick with it. I know I am an intelligent woman, so if other people can learn this, so can I.

Here are some more pictures I took of the snow yesterday...

This is crazy. I shot this outside my apartment this afternoon. I love it, don't get me wrong, but I don't recall ever having snow so late in the season, or ever seeing snowflakes this large.

growing despair

We got a letter yesterday from the public defender's office. We had been hoping to hear from them and that the news would be good; the judge in October granted a new trial because, amongst many other instances of prosecutorial misconduct in the case, one of the government's key witnesses perjured himself and they knew or should have known about it.
Unfortunately, the prosecution refuted this claim and now the judge has agreed and denied the motion for a new case. The next step for M is sentencing. No date has been set yet and I hope it is as far off as humanly possible. It has taken me so long to let myself fully be with him, to completely let go of the thought that my destiny might be with someone else, and now they want to take him away from me. Not only will I lose my boyfriend, but there's no way I'll be able to afford this apartment so I'll also be homeless. And jobless. Can I manage the waiting for him if he does go to prison? I've never been very good at being alone, so we'll have to wait and see. He seems much calmer about all of this than I am, but that's not saying much.
Hopefully the judge will allow him to remain free until his appeal. It's not like he's really "free" anyway, what with the ankle monitor and the curfew. I also think that the year and some months with that thing on should count as some fraction of his time served since he can't really be said to have been at liberty with that thing on him. I hate this so much. I am so scared and he just won't talk about it unless I push it. And this is the kind of thing we really need to talk about to sort out what we're going to do about finances and his stuff and the apartment... It's all such a mess.
I just don't want to lose him now that I've finally figured out that this is where I want to be.

In the other parts of my life, I have become somewhat addicted to the most boring game ever. It's called Fish Tycoon and in it you have a couple of aquariums (aquaria?) and some fish. You breed and sell these fish in order to find the seven magical fish. It is not a fast paced game, nor one that is exciting in any way, but for some reason I find it oddly compelling. I've found 3 of the 7 magical fish and just over 60 of the more than 400 species of fish. It takes some note taking skills to keep track of which fish you've bred and the results and it takes literally hours to make any progress whatsoever even running in the 2X speed. But that leaves me time to knit while I'm playing, so that's exactly what I've been doing. Over the past few days I've made 4 or 5 headbands. My roots are growing in and I haven't been able to find the exact color of dye I used last time and want to use again, so headbands it is. I'll take pictures soon and post them, but just haven't been in the mood lately. I've not even been on Ravelry in a couple of weeks... I may need to wean myself from all of this anyway since if M goes to prison I will most likely be without internet while living with my grandfather. That thought terrifies me. I don't know what I will do with myself if I am cut off from the world in that way.

Plans, kids, and ex-wives

I made plans. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not something I do very often, at least not plans of any elaborateness because they invariably get fucked up. But I made plans for Valentine's Day, secret somewhat elaborate, romantic plans for M and myself. I was rather proud of myself for this and was looking forward to having some special time for the two of us next weekend. It seems like so far this year we've either had his boys on the weekends or he's had to work or we've been sick. We're both finally recovered from the nasty colds we had and we have his boys this weekend, so I thought everything was set. I was even going to arrange it so that he could stay out past 8:00 (it's a long story... he has to wear an electronic monitoring thingie on his ankle because he's been accused of something he didn't do. Even though the guilty verdict was thrown out he is still wearing the thing. basically it's house arrest from 8 pm to 7 am. Very irritating to both of us.)
I was busy today running errands. I got the yarn I am swapping with Pat mailed off after making the international shipping (it's just to Canada for chrissake, what's the big deal? Whatever happened to free trade?) far more complicated than it actually is. I also had to get some stuff notarized and faxed for another contest I won. You guys aren't going to believe I won this when you find out. I think I'm probably not supposed to say anything about it until it's officially announced, but it was a bit of a hassle with all the paperwork. Still, I got it done. That was before the post office.
In my defense, I have only actually been to the post office here one time. I have, however, driven past it on numerous occasions. It's right off the main highway through town, not far really from where I live. And yet, today I could not find it. I drove past it no fewer than FOUR TIMES before finally seeing it and getting Pat's parcel safely off to her.
So by the time I got home I was stressed and hot (over 70 freaking degrees in February! I hate this weather) and still needed to do the grocery shopping. But first I needed to relax and eat something. So I did. I had plenty of time since EB (elder boy) had a boy scout meeting tonight and M wouldn't be home with them until almost 9:00. Around 4:00 the phone rang.
I hadn't been home very long and still was on edge from all the driving and having to deal with people and the unknown and such. It was M. I rarely hear from him in the middle of the day, so I was immediately concerned. Turns out EB and, to a lesser degree, YB (younger boy) was sick. Feverish. There would be no boy scout meeting tonight and they would be home in about 3 hours.
I went off... why, if a child is sick, do you send him to someone else's house? That was unheard of in my family when I was a kid. If my brother or I got sick then all activities were cancelled and we had to stay in bed. Apparently their mom, who otherwise coddles them so much I fear they will shatter upon impact with the real world in a few years, thinks that sending a feverish 9 yr old out to infect his father and the father's girlfriend with whatever nastiness has been bred in him is more than acceptable. To me, that is bad parenting. The child would feel better at home, in his own bed. He didn't go to school, but he's fine to visit daddy and Eve. Lovely.
I was angry and I am less effective when I am angry. I didn't get the usual cleaning done nor did I get the grocery shopping done. I got the boys' room tidied up (it is my craft room when they aren't here and all my yarn lives in the closet in there, so it gets kinda messy) and the table cleaned off so that they could eat their fast food. Then they were here. And EB, all sick and obviously miserable, begins throwing a fit that there's no room for his food on the table. All he had to do was move his chair to where he usually sits or move the postal scale (it weighs less than a pound, don't grief me about it) or the small vase of flowers. But no. Instead daddy had to come fix it for him. He's sick, I know, and I should cut him some slack, but dayum, does he have to be even more helpless than his mommy has already made him?
It's after the boys have had dinner, and all is quiet. EB is laying down in their room and YB is on one of the computers in there. I had made plans for all of us to go to the nature museum on Sunday for the animatronic dinosaurs, but that clearly isn't in the cards for this weekend. I tell M that that's fine, we can take the boys in 2 weeks when we have them again. It will be the last weekend of the exhibit, so it's all good. Then he drops the bombshell.
"Or we can take them next weekend," he says, ever so nonchalantly. I look at him, puzzled. "No, we can wait. It's open until the 24th."
"No," he replies, "we have them next weekend."
...
...
... the tears weren't immediate and I think they were quiet enough that he never noticed I was crying. I did let him know that I had made plans for us for next weekend for Valentine's Day. He tried the old "does it really matter which day it is" spiel. Well, yeah, it kinda does sometimes. For example, unless their mother changes weekends again before then (which she doesn't do often unless she knows it's inconvenient for us) we have the brats on my birthday. Most days I am okay with having to play second fiddle to the spoiled and helpless fruit of M's loins, but on my birthday (which is also just 3 days before our anniversary) I'd like to be first in his affection. I know that if I don't mention it to him he will never realize it, and even if I do mention it he might not mention it to his ex-wife.
If for some reason things don't work out with M in the long run, I think any man with children, at least minor children, is off my list.

Just for fun, since this has been so bitchy and serious, let's try to figure out what I would look for in a mate. I have no intention of things with M ending, but life is unpredictable.

• No minor children. Period.
• Not a musician
  
• smart
• funny
• computer literate
• not a raging alcoholic nor a complete abstainer from spirits
• non-smoker (funny how just a few years ago this would have said "smoker)
• no more than 5 years younger or 10 years older than me
  
• not too tan, too buff, too 'metrosexual'
• has a job that allows a decent standard of living
• has at least one hobby that he takes as seriously as I take my knitting
  
• isn't squeamish when I want to discuss my girly bits
• likes cats

Those are absolutes. Then there are those qualities and characteristics that would make him my dream man. They go something like this:

• tall.
  
• fair skin, dark hair, dark eyes.
• long hair, worn in a ponytail while he is in a suit
• sense of style
• previously married, but only once and divorced for at least a decade
• enjoys the theater
• has similar taste in music to my own
• enjoys the same kinds of movies I like
• Understands my neuroses
  
• has had a vasectomy
• is from Massachusetts or Oregon and still has family there
• can teach me things
• listens
• allows me to fawn over him... and sometimes does so over me
• is a bit overweight
• has big, attractive hands

Okay, I guess that is enough for now. I may come back to this list as I think of more things. For now, though, I have M. And his brats. And a kitchen to clean before they can whine about not liking what they are having for breakfast. Grrr. I'm feeling a trifle under appreciated and maybe even somewhat taken advantage of. Some of it is PMDD. And some is anger and frustration. But I need to get all of it under control before I have to deal with M and the boys.

trouble with hat

I'm having problems with my hat design. I have the brim knitted and the first part of the first section, but I can't seem to figure out the decreases. I am almost certainly over complicating it, as I tend to do with just about everything. This cold/virus/whatever it is M and I both have isn't making it any easier. Maybe I should put off the designing until I feel better.
The winds are crazy. At least it hasn't gotten as bad as it did for a few weeks in the old house in Frisco. Man, that was awful with the howling of the wind for days on end... truly enough to drive one over the edge. This is just very strong winds. Fires have ravaged much of the surrounding areas and I think the governor has declared a lot of it a disaster. At least we didn't lose power again today.
I'm waiting for M to get home. He's having to work later the past few days and even mentioned maybe having to do some work from home this weekend. We've had the boys the past two weekends and now he's going to have to work this one and then we'll have the boys again... I miss my boyfriend. Now that I've finally been able to let go of the past to some degree (more on that someday, I'm sure) I find that I really do love M quite a lot. We don't have the sort of relationship I am used to and I think maybe this one would be considered more "adult". I can't say that I don't miss the passion and yearning and obsession that I went through with many of my previous relationships, but there is something to be said for comfort and stability, too. He is good to me and kind and we don't ask too much from one another. We get along quite well and rarely argue. I really couldn't ask for much more than that at this point in my life.

hats and blankets and freeform, oh my...

I'm sick. The winds yesterday were so strong they took my power out a couple of times, which was mildly annoying. Worse, they seem to have brought some sort of illness with them as both M and I are now sick. My throat hasn't hurt this badly since my tonsils came out when I was 10 and I'm running a fever of 102. Last night I asked M if he had turned up the gravity in the apartment as everything seemed so...heavy...
Speaking of the apartment, they left a note on the door yesterday saying they'd be coming by today for safety inspections, replacing air filters and checking fire alarms and extinguishers and such. They've been doing this on the various buildings all week, so why couldn't they provide a little more notice? So I had to do a quick cleaning of the laundry room and such. The rest of the mess they'll just have to deal with. I'm too sick to vacuum or throw all the yarn back in the closet.
Yarn... I joined up with Jenny Dowde's group on Ravelry (and also the Yahoo group) and am now participating in the Think Pink Challenge. I've had her book for quite some time, but had never really gotten the appeal of freeform knitting. Well, I actually tried doing some of it the othre day and it is so much fun! Strangely liberating and addictive to learn that I can just do it as I bloody well please and the knitting police are not going to show up and tell me I mustn't do it thusly. I'm doing it the way I want to and it's not wrong at all. How delightful. Here are some pictures of my first freeform fragments (the color of course is because the finished item will go to breast cancer research charities.)

This was my first one. It used a pattern from the book Freeform Knitting and Crochet by Jenny Dowde

This is my second attempt. No pattern here, just playing with the yarn.


And this is my 3rd piece. I think I grasp the concept now.


And this is all three pieces sort of assembled.

I think I could use this technique to make things my mom would adore, but it might be a little too much for me personally except in very small bits. Maybe a bag or even a scarf, but anything more than that would be overwhelming on me, imho.

I began the stained glass window hat last night while M was watching wrestling. My favorite cast on for hats is the tubular cast on found here. The cast on is all I managed to get done, but I have a plan... oh yes, I have a plan.
I have also finished the first hex for the baby blanket M promised a coworker of his. They are expecting their first in the summer and he volunteered me to knit a baby blanket for people I've never met. Of course I couldn't just do something simple, that would be too easy. So I have chosen the Mountain Laurel Counterpane. It isn't as hard as I feared it would be; I had M bring me a clipboard with a sliding ruler thing on the side to keep track of what line I was on and that made it even easier. I would have used the spiral bound index card trick again, but since this one will never be a travelling project (moving a project with 6 dpns in it is just begging disaster to strike.) I'm using Caron Simply Soft in red. I would have preferred a deeper red than the one I got, but they just didn't have the right color in a yarn soft enough and affordable enough, so this one will work fine.
I think I will change my Ravelry blog listed to this one. I haven't been to my livejournal site in so very long that I think it can be considered abandoned. And since I do hope to continue posting here at least once a week, this would make more sense.
I need to go lie down now. I'm feeling kinda woozy and the apartment people should be here soon.